Today I am launching a new feature: Scott's Advice Column.
I will answer your emails, explaining everything from bathroom etiquette for men at stadiums to why you may not want to wear black clothes while in Washington D.C. to why men touch themselves and everything in-between.
So send me your emails and I'll answer them in future columns.
But I thought I would do my first two columns, today's and tomorrow's, on emails.
As with the rest of you I get lots of junk email – some spam, some phishing and much of it is just crap.
But it is not just that it is annoying, rude and sometimes offensive.
No, there is something worse – many of them are badly written.
So today I will try to explain where some emails go wrong. If you want to read this aloud in the voice of a picky English teacher that'd be excellent.
Today we will look at two e-mails, copied exactly as they appeared in my email in-box:
1) On 4/13/07, Kenneth <anthony@yahoo.com> wrote:
Become a whole new man with Mega Dik.
Imagine increasing not only the length and width of your manhood
but improving your stamina, longevity in the sack, confidence and more.
Now the first problem with this email is that it begins "Kenneth wrote" but provides an email address for someone named Anthony. So you've managed to confuse this reader before you even have started. Or you are having an identity crisis. Or you are doing something improper or unethical. If so, shame on you.
Maybe the explanation for thisbone-headedmistake is in
the first sentence when you promise you will "become a whole new man."
Maybe you used to be Kenneth and then you took this and became Kenneth.
Or vice versa.
Either way, whether you are Kenneth or Anthony, you have bigger problems.
That big problem I see is a spelling error. I won't repeat that word here but if you can't spell the name of the body part you are trying to increase that does not do much for my confidence in your ability to increase said body part. Not that I have any interest in doing so but if you can't spell this word that means you are even less literate than most people leaving graffiti in men's bathrooms.
Your second sentence is better in that you seem to have spelled the words correctly and with proper punctuation. So that's good. But I'm still concerned about your spelling.
When I read this a second time, before deleting it, I notice that you capitalize the misspelled word, which tells me one of two things: Either that word is part of a brand name or you do not understand how to properly use capital letters.
Or maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there is already a product with the same name except that it is spelled correctly and this is a cheap, pardon the pun, knock-off. If so could you not have at least chosen one of the 999 other words used for that body part?
I have to give your email 2 out of 10 due to the unfortunate spelling error and the name confusion. You get the two points for spelling the words "stamina," "longevity" and "confident" right although, given your misspelling I have to wonder whether you are not too, pardon the expression, cocky for your own good.
Best,
Scott the Advice Man
# 2 Boost your sexval power now
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Russian exile Boris Berezovsky confirmed that his office was another
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"You could do an A-Level in biology, followed by a degree then get a job
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be so good." Teacher Caroline Strachan says there is no question that
are wary of running trips and would like more training Pope Arrives
to the small screen Newyddion Home Complaints against nurses are
are determined to find out what happened and who is responsible." WASHINGTON - In a decision
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already taking more than a year to be heard. BBC Ten O'Clock News The
a superior understanding of the subject matter, a foundation of extensive knowledge,
summary Ruth Amos Should there be more school trips? > All U.S. News from AP Do hired
over e-mail NPR "It was like being taken to the edge of a cliff,
'Shadow Company' III "We do this all day every day so the hazards of…
Well, first of all, read the above. Perhaps you and Anthony/Kenneth had the same English teacher. Or you both don't use spell check. Either way while I'm intrigued by the concept of having my sexual power increased I really have no interest in having my "sexval power" upped mainly because I have no idea what the word "sexval" means.
But maybe that was just an unfortunate typo. We have all those sometimes. My worst was referring to a person as a pubic works manager which sounds like a great job but was not actually his correct title. (link to original piece)
I decided to give you another chance and read on and I must say you seem to be babbling worse than I, who once penned a column called Butki's Babbles, or VikiBabbles, and trust me, we know from babbling.
You seem to either have:
a)Merged together several stories
b)Multiple personalities all of which took turns writing this
c)Been high when you wrote this
d)Wrote this in an attempt – almost successful, I might add – to make readers heads explode.
e)All of the above
It is all very confusing and gives no encouragement for the reader to go on.
But I felt bad since maybe English is not your first, second, third or fourth language so I decided to read on.
Then you get quite demanding: "ADD YOUR LOCAL NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORT HERE"
I don't see what the fact that it is warm but getting windy really has to do with anything. You go add your own news and sports there. Or was someone else supposed to copy that information into the email and they forgot to? Tsk, tsk
None of the content seems to have anything to do with either sexual power or…. Well, I was going to say it also has nothing to do with "sexval power" either but then I don't know what that word means. Maybe "sexval" means switch topic of sentence every five or so words in which case you seem to indeed be full of "sexval power." Congratulations.
But I'm still going to give you just a 1 because the content seems to make about as much sense as the popularity of Howie Mandel.
Best,
Scott
And that ends my advice for today.
Thank you and I'll read you later.
I will answer your emails, explaining everything from bathroom etiquette for men at stadiums to why you may not want to wear black clothes while in Washington D.C. to why men touch themselves and everything in-between.
So send me your emails and I'll answer them in future columns.
But I thought I would do my first two columns, today's and tomorrow's, on emails.
As with the rest of you I get lots of junk email – some spam, some phishing and much of it is just crap.
But it is not just that it is annoying, rude and sometimes offensive.
No, there is something worse – many of them are badly written.
So today I will try to explain where some emails go wrong. If you want to read this aloud in the voice of a picky English teacher that'd be excellent.
Today we will look at two e-mails, copied exactly as they appeared in my email in-box:
1) On 4/13/07, Kenneth <anthony@yahoo.com> wrote:
Become a whole new man with Mega Dik.
Imagine increasing not only the length and width of your manhood
but improving your stamina, longevity in the sack, confidence and more.
Now the first problem with this email is that it begins "Kenneth wrote" but provides an email address for someone named Anthony. So you've managed to confuse this reader before you even have started. Or you are having an identity crisis. Or you are doing something improper or unethical. If so, shame on you.
Maybe the explanation for this
Either way, whether you are Kenneth or Anthony, you have bigger problems.
That big problem I see is a spelling error. I won't repeat that word here but if you can't spell the name of the body part you are trying to increase that does not do much for my confidence in your ability to increase said body part. Not that I have any interest in doing so but if you can't spell this word that means you are even less literate than most people leaving graffiti in men's bathrooms.
Your second sentence is better in that you seem to have spelled the words correctly and with proper punctuation. So that's good. But I'm still concerned about your spelling.
When I read this a second time, before deleting it, I notice that you capitalize the misspelled word, which tells me one of two things: Either that word is part of a brand name or you do not understand how to properly use capital letters.
Or maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there is already a product with the same name except that it is spelled correctly and this is a cheap, pardon the pun, knock-off. If so could you not have at least chosen one of the 999 other words used for that body part?
I have to give your email 2 out of 10 due to the unfortunate spelling error and the name confusion. You get the two points for spelling the words "stamina," "longevity" and "confident" right although, given your misspelling I have to wonder whether you are not too, pardon the expression, cocky for your own good.
Best,
Scott the Advice Man
# 2 Boost your sexval power now
place where traces of radiation had been found during the investigation.
Russian exile Boris Berezovsky confirmed that his office was another
update [314KB] "I will remember him for his bravery, his determination and his honour." Theresa
"You could do an A-Level in biology, followed by a degree then get a job
sale of AOL German access unit AP - 1 hour, 24 minutes ago USATODAY.com
another year to schedule a hearing. Reuters AROUND THE WORLD NOW
be so good." Teacher Caroline Strachan says there is no question that
are wary of running trips and would like more training Pope Arrives
to the small screen Newyddion Home Complaints against nurses are
are determined to find out what happened and who is responsible." WASHINGTON - In a decision
ET Steny Hoyer, the new House majority leader, fields your questions. SPORT
on mental care Entertainment ADD YOUR LOCAL NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORT HERE (Beta) World Gary
'No diplomatic barrier' Pope calls for Islam dialogue
already taking more than a year to be heard. BBC Ten O'Clock News The
a superior understanding of the subject matter, a foundation of extensive knowledge,
summary Ruth Amos Should there be more school trips? > All U.S. News from AP Do hired
over e-mail NPR "It was like being taken to the edge of a cliff,
'Shadow Company' III "We do this all day every day so the hazards of…
Well, first of all, read the above. Perhaps you and Anthony/Kenneth had the same English teacher. Or you both don't use spell check. Either way while I'm intrigued by the concept of having my sexual power increased I really have no interest in having my "sexval power" upped mainly because I have no idea what the word "sexval" means.
But maybe that was just an unfortunate typo. We have all those sometimes. My worst was referring to a person as a pubic works manager which sounds like a great job but was not actually his correct title. (link to original piece)
I decided to give you another chance and read on and I must say you seem to be babbling worse than I, who once penned a column called Butki's Babbles, or VikiBabbles, and trust me, we know from babbling.
You seem to either have:
a)Merged together several stories
b)Multiple personalities all of which took turns writing this
c)Been high when you wrote this
d)Wrote this in an attempt – almost successful, I might add – to make readers heads explode.
e)All of the above
It is all very confusing and gives no encouragement for the reader to go on.
But I felt bad since maybe English is not your first, second, third or fourth language so I decided to read on.
Then you get quite demanding: "ADD YOUR LOCAL NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORT HERE"
I don't see what the fact that it is warm but getting windy really has to do with anything. You go add your own news and sports there. Or was someone else supposed to copy that information into the email and they forgot to? Tsk, tsk
None of the content seems to have anything to do with either sexual power or…. Well, I was going to say it also has nothing to do with "sexval power" either but then I don't know what that word means. Maybe "sexval" means switch topic of sentence every five or so words in which case you seem to indeed be full of "sexval power." Congratulations.
But I'm still going to give you just a 1 because the content seems to make about as much sense as the popularity of Howie Mandel.
Best,
Scott
And that ends my advice for today.
Thank you and I'll read you later.
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