You know that old saying, "Beware the ides of March?" Screw that, for us turkeys it should be called "Beware the holidays for you may BECOME the holiday meal." Happy holidays, my skinny turkey ass! What's that look for? Because i'm a profane talking turkey? What, you think we don't know how to read? Why do you think we make those sounds you think is clucking - that's actually just us having one of our weekly book club meetings.
Anyway I have had pretty good luck staying away from those tall butchers (aka humans) so I thought I'd share my three secrets - a recipe of sorts - for staying alive.
Step one - find some vegans. This is easier if you live, as I do, in Austin but for those of you who are reading this via your human's iphone and live in a place without vegans there's a way to find them. What? You didn't think we could use your precious iphones just because we don't have thumbs or fingers. Well, as their ad says, "there's an app for that." There's also an app for finding vegans.
Step two - explain your plight to the vegans, either through some turkey charades or just looking sad. They will often figure out your plight and promise to hide you from their meat-eating butcher friends.
Step three - This is the hardest plan but it's essential. The good news is it washes off, the bad news is it's not a bad idea to pour a bunch of salt on yourself. That way if human meat eaters Do find you they will notice how salty you are and since they already have 1,001 things to worry about relating to turkey dinner they will decide that picking a particularly salty turkey is one problem too many and put you back.
Sad for whatever turkey they pick but it's a turkey eat turkey world out there. Can you see why Ayn Rand is also a huge hit in our book clubs - it's all about helping yourself sometimes)
Anyway, I hope these tips will help you make it to Jan. 1 unharmed. That's when we all get together and do the chicken dance which is much more fun to do when you have wings (though you humans look pretty funny when you do it at weddings)
This story came out of two recent writing exercises - one by me about writing from the perspective of a turkey and a writing down the bones exercise on the topic of salt. I woke up this morning with this story idea. As I wrote about here I believe we get our best writing ideas as we fall asleep and as we wake up
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