It Isn't Easy Being Green (Especially If You Are A Green Christmas Tree)

This was my submission to a writing exercise on How To Write From the Perspective of a Christmas Tree.

I'm leading a similar exercise here: How To Write From the Perspective of Christmas Lights.

I heard a song once. It was called "It Isn't Being Green." I heard it was by a green frog named Kermit who could talk but I know that was a lie because everyone knows frogs can't really talk.

What most people don't know is that trees can type. Why do you think we have all those branches? That joke kills in the Catskills, especially among the tree crowd.

So I thought I'd give you a glimpse today into the life of a Christmas Tree. Most of the year it's a pretty good gig. I especially like it when the tree huggers come around during the summer. Man, a good tree hugger can touch you in all the right places if you know what I mean. I mean, they can really make the branches shake. Oh, sorry, lost my train of thought.

Oh, right, so it's also fun when people climb you though you have to be careful because sometimes it tickles and if you move your branches when being tickled the person might fall and then TCLU (Tree Civil Liberties Union) kicks in and, well, lets just say you may be an old branchless tree before all that gets shaken out.

Sometimes it gets a bit cold which is why sometimes you see trees moving around. People think it's the result of wind but really it's just us trees dancing a bit to warm up. We particularly like dancing to Shakira.

The one really bad time of the year is the holidays.

Whoever came up with the term "happy holidays" must have been tapping too much tree sap or something because there's nothing happy about watching your friends get essentially decapitated and wondering if they're going to come after you next.

There are a few tricks of the trade that i'll tell you only if you promise not to tell others. For example, did you know we have detachable branches? So when we see big groups of humans coming our way sometimes we'll remove a lot of our branches - or maybe just the ones or just the ones on the left - and this gets us rejection which in this case is a good thing.

I can't speak to what exactly happens when you are unlucky enough to get chosen but I imagine it has to be unpleasant.

That said, I hear sometimes fires are involved - which sounds awful. And sometimes they put water under you which just sounds, er, akward.

Now if you will excuse me I hear people coming and I'm trying a new trick today - painting myself orange because who would ever buy an Orange Christmas tree. Wait, what's that? They might be U. of Texas fans who like Orange.

Oh no....