Tips From One Turkey On How To Escape Becoming Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner

You know that old saying, "Beware the ides of March?" Screw that, for us turkeys it should be called "Beware the holidays for you may BECOME the holiday meal." Happy holidays, my skinny turkey ass! What's that look for? Because i'm a profane talking turkey? What, you think we don't know how to read? Why do you think we make those sounds you think is clucking - that's actually just us having one of our weekly book club meetings.

Anyway I have had pretty good luck staying away from those tall butchers (aka humans) so I thought I'd share my three secrets - a recipe of sorts - for staying alive.

Step one - find some vegans. This is easier if you live, as I do, in Austin but for those of you who are reading this via your human's iphone and live in a place without vegans there's a way to find them. What? You didn't think we could use your precious iphones just because we don't have thumbs or fingers. Well, as their ad says, "there's an app for that." There's also an app for finding vegans.

Step two - explain your plight to the vegans, either through some turkey charades or just looking sad. They will often figure out your plight and promise to hide you from their meat-eating butcher friends.

Step three - This is the hardest plan but it's essential. The good news is it washes off, the bad news is it's not a bad idea to pour a bunch of salt on yourself. That way if human meat eaters Do find you they will notice how salty you are and since they already have 1,001 things to worry about relating to turkey dinner they will decide that picking a particularly salty turkey is one problem too many and put you back.

Sad for whatever turkey they pick but it's a turkey eat turkey world out there. Can you see why Ayn Rand is also a huge hit in our book clubs - it's all about helping yourself sometimes)

Anyway, I hope these tips will help you make it to Jan. 1 unharmed. That's when we all get together and do the chicken dance which is much more fun to do when you have wings (though you humans look pretty funny when you do it at weddings)


This story came out of two recent writing exercises - one by me about writing from the perspective of a turkey and a writing down the bones exercise on the topic of salt. I woke up this morning with this story idea. As I wrote about here I believe we get our best writing ideas as we fall asleep and as we wake up

Writing Down the Bones: December Topic Presents

For this exercise write about presents. It can be about giving one, getting one, watching someone else give, receive or play with one, etc.

The rules here are pretty basic: I, or someone else, picks the topic. You write about it for 10 minutes and then must stop.
The piece can be fiction, prose, poetry, etc.

The time must be spent writing, not editing.

Editing is a no-no in this exercise.

The idea is to make your inner editor shut up. I suggest here that one way to do that is to write as you fall asleep or as you wake as thats when my personal editor is least alert..

Everyone who writes is asked to provide constructive criticism for all other writers.

A detailed essay on why exercises like this work and are good for you is here.

More food for thought for writers is here (about Peter Elbow and Annie Dillard) and here (listening matters!)

I indexed here some of my writing exercise.

December Writing Exercise: Write From the Perspect of Christmas Decorations

At Newsvine I used to lead and participate in many writing exercises. I write some of my best fiction and satire pieces there and it sparked some of my favorite personal narrative pieces.

I miss doing that  and thought I would try this here.

So I thought I'd try leading a writing exercise here.  I'll set up a second one and will link from one to the other.

Since it's the holidays I'm giving you a holiday-related exercise: Write a story from the perspective of Christmas decorations. This can be Christmas lights or whatever.

I started to suggest we write from the Point of a View of  A Christmas Tree then remembered I did that as an exercise in 2007 and this was my resulting piece.

I've also in the past written from the perspective of a Thanksgiving Carving Knife.

I also once did an exercise on how to write from the perspective of a turkey here and I posted my submission on this blog

Try to make it at least 100 words. You can either post your piece in the comments or link to where you point it at. Try to give positive feedback, only negative criticism if requested.

Questions?

I gathered a number of writing advice pieces I have written over the years here.

It Isn't Easy Being Green (Especially If You Are A Green Christmas Tree)

This was my submission to a writing exercise on How To Write From the Perspective of a Christmas Tree.

I'm leading a similar exercise here: How To Write From the Perspective of Christmas Lights.

I heard a song once. It was called "It Isn't Being Green." I heard it was by a green frog named Kermit who could talk but I know that was a lie because everyone knows frogs can't really talk.

What most people don't know is that trees can type. Why do you think we have all those branches? That joke kills in the Catskills, especially among the tree crowd.

So I thought I'd give you a glimpse today into the life of a Christmas Tree. Most of the year it's a pretty good gig. I especially like it when the tree huggers come around during the summer. Man, a good tree hugger can touch you in all the right places if you know what I mean. I mean, they can really make the branches shake. Oh, sorry, lost my train of thought.

Oh, right, so it's also fun when people climb you though you have to be careful because sometimes it tickles and if you move your branches when being tickled the person might fall and then TCLU (Tree Civil Liberties Union) kicks in and, well, lets just say you may be an old branchless tree before all that gets shaken out.

Sometimes it gets a bit cold which is why sometimes you see trees moving around. People think it's the result of wind but really it's just us trees dancing a bit to warm up. We particularly like dancing to Shakira.

The one really bad time of the year is the holidays.

Whoever came up with the term "happy holidays" must have been tapping too much tree sap or something because there's nothing happy about watching your friends get essentially decapitated and wondering if they're going to come after you next.

There are a few tricks of the trade that i'll tell you only if you promise not to tell others. For example, did you know we have detachable branches? So when we see big groups of humans coming our way sometimes we'll remove a lot of our branches - or maybe just the ones or just the ones on the left - and this gets us rejection which in this case is a good thing.

I can't speak to what exactly happens when you are unlucky enough to get chosen but I imagine it has to be unpleasant.

That said, I hear sometimes fires are involved - which sounds awful. And sometimes they put water under you which just sounds, er, akward.

Now if you will excuse me I hear people coming and I'm trying a new trick today - painting myself orange because who would ever buy an Orange Christmas tree. Wait, what's that? They might be U. of Texas fans who like Orange.

Oh no....

Thankful in Pflugerville

I am thankful that about 300 people attended the event tonite to show support for the mosque in Pflugerville that was vandalized, with someone wiping feces and torn out pages from the Quran onto the mosque. One sign I spotted replied, "keep your poop and hate to yourself."

Thankful one person set up this event to demonstrate pflugerville and the region both find those actions abhorrent and want those attending the mosque to know they are welcome here.

Thankful people were not deterred by the cold or wind knowing showing love and welcoming trump bad weather.

Thankful for not only those representing the mosque (beseeching people not to base opinions based on video and news clips) but Christians and a Unitarian Universalist minister at Live Oak and teachers and the area rotary club leader all sharing positive messages.

There's good that will outweigh bad every time, one speaker said. I thought that summed up the tone and message of the event.

Lastly, I am thankful people can see past the hate, bigotry and fearmongering being spread and understand the importance not to stereotype and generalise or blame, say , all Muslims for the actions of a few.

Occupy North Pole?

This is something I posted originally at Newsvine in 2011.

Weakly World News is a satirical fictitious newspaper I made up. The links take you mostly to other satires by me  I used to write them more often.
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Attempts to have the Occupy Wall Street movement grow to include an Occupy North Pole have so far failed, sources tell the Weakly World News.

Rumors that there may be a protest planned while Santa is flying around the world could not be confirmed.

There have been three reasons the movement has not gained ground in oh-so-cold place, sources said:
First, everyone is busy getting everything ready for Christmas. They may start protesting in January but more likely that will happen in February because by contract all North Pole employees get four weeks paid leave in January.

Second, when not working most workers are distracted by facebook,or complaining about all the mistakes in movies about Christmas, playing in those "rheindeer games" made so famous in that classic song and thinking about their favorite holiday songs.

Third, they don't really have much they are upset about. Would some like to be better known? Sure. Do some get jealous that everyone knows about Rudolph and Frosty and Santa but it's the elves doing the real hard work? Well, yes, but that's not going to change at least until Santa comes through on his promise to get some new songwriters to come visit and write some new tunes, a plan that's been on hold since the economy went, er, south.
A source who requested anonymity but whose name rhymes with Panta Pause said, "Ho Ho Ho, we don't have anyone unhappy enough to protest here."



That said, if Occupy North Pole took off like a, well, a sleigh, it would not be a surprise: There have been reports of strange dealings at the North Pole in the past ranging from that stereoid scandal up there a few years ago  to Santa's jealousy about Valentine's Day to that stalking charge against santa (for that creepy language about knowing what you're thinking, He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake).

This reporter will keep you posted on all things Occupy North Pole as well as rumored attempts by the Occupy movement to stop Valentine's Day this year.

In other news a rheindeer is rumored to have had plastic surgery in an attempt to have a brighter nose than Rudolph but Santa is said to have a strict "naturals only" policy.

That concludes this report.

A Conversation On Immigration, Into Texas and From Syria

(I'm continuing to write and post something each day that I am thankful for. Today I am thankful for our area activists and others working on various causes, in today's case, immigration)

I am thankful to be able to attend difficult but important, heart-breaking but essential events like this one tonight in Austin. The event was a "Community Conversation on Immigration" put on by the Travis County Democratic Party. Details here

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I am thankful events like this, and some of the social action events past and present that start here. I'm not sure those living in smaller towns are able to as easily attend events like the and the social action events.

While attending this I started taking notes as I sometimes revert to journalism mode and was considering writing another long think piece making lots of points, like I did at the Methodist panel.

Instead, I'll shoot - I can't promise I'll make it - to keep this short... well, at least shorter than it could have been.

Grassroots activists spoke of their objections to the for-profit detention centers. I'm proud to say I've participated at events opposing the two close ones, one by Dilley and one by Hutto. 

Panelists explained that most of the people in the family detention centers and especially those women participating in a hunger strike there (link with info below) came to the United States not on a whim or to make more money but rather they were seeking asylum because they were fleeing nations where there was horrific violence. I talked about this some here, about the problems in Latin America sparking families, including an increase in unattended minors, crossing the border.

Many of those on the hunger strike and in the family detention centers - yes, kids are locked up too! - have been there more than six months, some longer than one year and some longer than that. The problem, a panelist said, is a shortage of immigration judges. Meanwhile, they're locked up with no bond and most Americans have no idea that this is even happening.

Here's a good update on the hunger strike as well as a spelling out of how the prison has responded to it. My favorite quote is that they are denying a hunger strike is happening but "“ICE has explained the negative health effects of not eating to our detainees.”

They also spoke about Gov. Abbott threatening to stop distributing some money to those cities deemed "sanctuary cities," and that was obviously not a particular popular action. 

There was conversation and flyers about a planned march this weekend . "From November 19-21, documented and undocumented Texans will join together in a three day pilgrimage from a Hutto, Texas detention center to rally with thousands of Texas workers and families at the Texas Governor’s Mansion.

"It's the one year anniversary of President Obama's executive action on immigration, and we’ll ask Greg Abbott to meet with the families he hurt through his opposition to comprehensive immigration reform." More information here. This will culminate in an event at the Governor''s Mansion 12 to 2 pm on Nov, 21,

The most interesting part, for me, came near the end of this panel. There were later panels, one for legistlators and one for people running for county sherriff but I skipped that so I can get more sleep tonight.

That was when the topic turned to Paris and Isis and specifically Gov. Abbott's announcement - he says he wont allow any Syria refugees to be moved to Texas in light of the attacks on Paris

There was mention of plans being made - I'll post details when I hear them - about an organized protest about Abbott's Syria decision.

A speaker suggested that rather than seperate events this weekend, one about immigration from the southern border and one coming from Syria, that the two things combined together. Several panelists praised the idea both because there are similar and related issues and more importantly because its important to have a broad base of support so if they can work with other groups, and other groups with them, then that just makes sense.

This brought up the most interesting point, one I've wondered about. Americans look at the images of those refugees in Europe facing such hardships trying to move to better countries, fleeing violence and other dangers in their home country and they say tsk, tsk, panelist Richard Jung, Immigration Attorney, said.

He wonders what Europe would say if they could see video of the women and kids who came to Texas, similarly fleeing political and violent persecution, similarly declaring asylum and trying to work within the law... and see that these families are locked up in these family detention centers for more than one year, Jung said. What would they say of us?

Elizabeth Hartman, Executive Director of American Gateways, got more specific. She's glad Americans are supporting refugees seeking ayslum in Europe but wishes they would carry that support to their own country.

While shes almost always supportive of President Obama, Hartman said, she takes issue with the promise to resettle 10,000 Syrians. To be clear, she said, she supports that but what she objects to is the door being opened wider for refugees seeking asylum from Syria while it's still so hard for those trying to do so in Texas.

Panelists urged those present to tell five people what they heard and ask them to tell five others. So now you've read this and seen links to pieces telling more. Spread the word!