Expressing Emotions With My Charge For the First Time; A Book Review

Shy Spaghetti and Excited Eggs: A Kid's Menu of Feelings

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I wrote this back on Aug. 2, 2017 and copying it over here:

So I had what may be one of the best and most important conversations EVER with my charge yesterday.
I knew he had a lot of emotions and feelings during Harry Potter Camp at my church.
And I've talked about him having difficulty expressing his feelings and emotions.

Meanwhile, a friend suggested a book aimed at kids which I hoped could help solve this dilemma somewhat.
The book is silly - i mean it's called Silly Spaghetti and Excited Eggs: A Kid's Menu of Feelings - and the foods all have emotion - but we were able to laugh at that book but use other parts for good.
For example, it helped me understand his actions on Friday park days during the school year.

Not sure where to start so i'll do it chronologically, as we read the book.
As the book starts it talks about how kids - and each time it said "kids" I substituted the word "all people" sometimes are happy but then they get too happy and into silliness and then sometimes too silly and "then you need to get back in charge of your happiness."

And this sounds familiar: "You might be talking very fast and loud or you might not be able to stop laughing." (the latter is the issue)

It speaks to ways to calm down. It suggested counting fingers and breathing and led to us discussing how important breathing is and how, no, he doesnt have to count fingers but that big deep breaths can help. 

(We've made huge strides in this department in recent monhts)

Then it got better: it explained what worries are ("thoughts or feelings that bother you. They make you nervous.") So we got to talk about worries. I let him know it's normal to worry about things but it helps to let others know what your worries are. The book explained "the more you worry, the bigger your worries get!" I told him I worry about things.

I always believe in making it clear that someone is not alone in their feelings, kids need to know, I think, that adults also struggle with these things.
The book again suggested the solution of breathing but this time in a way that helped a lot, because i've struggled to get him to truly breath deeply. He will often short breaths or, when i most need him to take slow long breaths, he'll take quick breaths. So this helped: "Pretend you are going to blow up a balloon. Slowly breathe all the air into the pretend balloon. Think about blowing your worries into the balloon. Do this five times. Imagine the balloon is floating away and taking your worries with it."

Now THAT was an idea he can get behind. I asked him to breathe deep and when it was shallow I asked if that would TRULY fill a balloon - then he got it and gave me some good long deep breaths.
And I said to myself: YES!

Then the book talked about shyness and we really hit pay dirt.
What made this book great is he was able to speak about his emotions in ways i could never get him to do directly, but i guess it's because he and i were both speaking about the book things came out that will help me greatly in working with and helping him.
So shyness. The book says shyness can be "a bit like hiding from other people.... You might not even want other people to look at you."
He says he gets shy a lot. He said that was part of why parts of camp were hard. I asked if that's why when I try to teach him to say "excuse me" when he almost runs into someone or "thank you" if someone holds the door - he said yes he knows he should say something but is too shy to say so.

Next we talked about, in the book and in conversation, getting scared and how "everyone gets scared sometimes.
"A grown up like your mom or dad (and I inserted 'or me') can usually help you figure out why you are upset.

That's when things got interesting: I told him I can help him more in situations where i think some of these emotions come to play, be it at camp or at park days. He agreed to let me know. Especially with the last part which talks about being sad and he said he'd let me know when sad and try to explain why. That fit with the book suggesting when you have feelings stuffed inside you may feel worse.

And so we talked about park days. So here's the problem with park days: The goal is for him to get a chance to play with others his age, or parallel play with younger kids. He's decided, at 16, that he no longer wants to play on park equipment (something he was fine with until age 15.)

The problem with hanging with the teenagers is two-fold: 1) He doesn't fit in easily, sometimes the rest of them will be talking about going to dances or on dates neither of which he's done before. Or they just want to sit and talk whereas he prefers to actually do stuff. Sitting and talking, especially with people who he doesnt know too well, is one of the hardest things to ask him to do. 2) He can't be around screens - be they phones, tv screens, etc. And so one of his mom's rules is if people are on their phones he needs to move away from them.

So it is that more frequently near the end of park days as summer hit he would increasingly just go and sit at a table or bench at the park and just put his head down. I found this frustrating and was not always the patient saint i try to be when asking him, essentially, "Why are you sitting at a table, something you can do anywhere, when you have a whole park to play at, and teenagers you can talk with?" When he'd explain that he didnt feel like he fit in with the teens or they were on phones I'd understand and feel bad.

Yesterday he was able to put feelings and emotions into the conversation, saying he felt shy because he'd go try to work with the teens and then he'd withdraw. And then he's feel sad so he'd just sit on the bench until it was time to leave park day. So that's awful but it gives me something to work with as park days resume in a few weeks, of me finding other ways to make that work better.

And then we moved on other things like regret and excited. My charge can and does get really excited especially when he can sense the excitement of lots of other people. This is why, for examples, he gets super excited when family members have birthdays. So i understand that but im not sure he did until we read the book which talked about how sometimes: "excited is when you're having a really good time or you're really looking forward to something and you just can't wait. Being excited is fun!" then the key part that applies to him and, as i reminded him, many folks: "But when you're feeling too excited, that isn't so fun. When you're too excited, you're not the boss of your feelings anymore and that never feels good." He understand that and we talked about it and he understood better why, when that happens, he's asked to step away and find ways to calm down, like playing with lincoln logs or connects.

A few other things that were good but not as good as those:
- I liked how it explained anger: "Sometimes angry can start with small feelings. Annoyed is being mini-mad. Grumpy is like a long bad mood. Irritable is when every little thing bothers you. Frustrated..." you get the idea. We took turns talking about times we were each of these emotions or we saw someone who fit that description. "You might feel so angry that you think you can explode." He said he could relate to that and that was good because i've always been curious about how he feels and thinks about his "rages"
- It talked about using "your body in good ways to get your angry feelings out. Exercise is a great way to feel better when you are mad." I asked him if he thought it was possible to be mad while swimming in the pool and he and i both smiled because when we swim - which we've started 3 times a week - it seems like bad feelings go away
- It kept repeating something I so want to happen, if possible, namely "Use your words. Practice saying 'i'm mad at you because... ' or 'I'm so annoyed right now." and I love this: "Feeling angry is like any other feeling. What matters is how you show it."
- It talked about being confused and how it's totally common to be confused, be it not understanding what is happening or you can't figure something out. For example, one of the first things he asked me this morning was what day it was at camp when we made bubbles. At first I was like, why does that matter? but I can tell it was important for him to figure that out so i looked back and gave him the answer and he looked less confused.

The book has a final page aimed at parents but it applies to me, i think. It talks about being a role model, showing someone how to label and explain their feelings and how to manage them.

This book helped us both a great deal