This is the second part of a two-part article providing tongue-in-cheek feedback to spam email. Think of it as a satire or parody of Miss Manners.
And remember to email me your questionsToday let's look at four of the spam emails I received in the last few days
Email #1: Subject line: "Re: wmkx"
Sender: Roseanne Burnette <rosezrnetli@gmail.com>
Cdk ydz ogm
Like many writers who read with fascination and admiration Hunter Thompson, William Burroughs and other writers who famously wrote while high or drunk, I tried doing that too.
I was thinking about that experiment last week when I was reading Firsty's writing advice which included writing while on a controlled substance.
Why am I mentioning that here? Because when sober I read what I'd typed while drunk and it looked a bit like the content of your message to me.
My suggestion to you is that for future emails you write at a time when you are neither high nor drunk.
Or are you stoned as you read this? If so, let me put my answer in terms you can perhaps better understand: ersfdxvcre resdxc.
'Nuff said.
Email #2: Subject line: "Download our casino"
Brenda <ruth@yahoo.com>
Money for nothing…
We know you'll love our casino games so we are giving away money to all new players. Does 500 dollars free sound good? We'll give you an hour to win all the money you can with it.
Brenda, thank you so much for your generosity. I'm touched.
You asked: "Does 500 dollars sound good"? Indeed it does. How about you mail it to me in cash.? My computer is old and thus I don't think I can, in your words, "download our casino." It takes a while to download a song let alone a whole casino.
Send me the money and your mailing address and I promise I will come visit and – What? You don't trust me? I'm hurt, Brenda.
Or is it Ruth? As with the email I addressed yesterday you are sending a mixed message about your identity. Anyway I'm saddened you seem disinclined to send me the money. I thought we had something going on, Brenda/Ruth?
Email #3: Subject line: "LasVegasMint"
By Linda
"Play with $500 free!
We'll give you 500 bucks and 60 minutes to make as much money as you can and a strong heart, to know when to" –and this ends abruptly
Linda, thank you so much for your generosity.
Hmm, Linda meet Brenda. Brenda, meet Linda.
Or should I say, Brenda/Ruth meet Linda/Barbara. Man, these emails contain more names than a bad Tom Clancy novel (or is that redundant?).
As I told Bre- well, the lady above, send me the money in cash and then I'll try to get to your business soon. I promise I will only play for 60 minutes.
Email #4 – Subject line: "Maybe yours lady"
From: Holly@clarksburg.com
Holly, I'm going to take your email apart piece by piece. And I'll just pretend your subject line makes sense.
You begin
"Hi to you"I am looking for a strong, kind, caring man. In my mind I have almost everything except love. .
Hey, me too. Well, except I want the person who is "strong, kind, caring" to be a woman. You forgot to mention single. If so I can detect some chemistry.
Everything I want is to be loved by a man like you.
Aw, shucks, you're making me blush.
You seemed to me very interesting and different from others. And I think you are the man I was looking for such a long time. Well, again, thanks but now I'm starting to get confused. Do I know you? Do you know me? How do you know I'm "interesting and different"? Have you been stalking me? Who is this? Is this Tommy playing a practical joke?
You can be sure, I will make you the the happiest man in the world! I will make true all your fantasies. And I can be for you not only a perfect lover, but the best friend and good wife.
I was with you until you said "good wife," then you lost me. Did you just propose? Um, don't you think we should maybe meet before you started telling me I'm your man and you'll be my wife."
We will spend all our free time together. I need you here. I need you like my lungs need air. I do not find strange that my second half is so far away, my destiny and life has been all over the world, but now that I found you, I really need you near me as soon as possible.
Please write me. I will be waiting for your letter.
Bye.
A
You are so sweet for saying all of that but I have to ask: You really "do not find strange" that you are talking about being my second half when I have no idea who you are, if your name is even Holly or A. or Tommy or what? Because I think it's odd.
Besides I just realized you addressed this to Max sbuten@gmail.com which is neither my name nor my email address. So now I wonder if this whole thing is a big mistake. Was Max the one you are proposing to and find "interesting and different"? You are starting to remind me of the time I had to try three times to get the correct email address for a woman I was trying to ask out and that is a funny but sad memory.
So, I'm sorry, but cancel the wedding – until you tell me who you are and what is going on I'm as sure this is weird as I am that "my lungs need air."
With that I conclude my response to random spam emailers. Remember these three basic tips:
1) Try to stick to one identity and name per email.
2) Try to write words that actually make sense (I'm looking at you, Roseanne.).
3) If you are going to offer to be my perfect lover you might want to get to know me first. I mean, at least buy me a drink or something. I'm not THAT cheap of a date.
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